By Sonika Tinker
Fighting again! Sigh. Fighting is among the biggest problems we read about from couples and singles in our relationship workshops. It will take an enormous toll on any relationship, and is ultimately one of the factors that drive marriages apart and into divorce. The majority of us could only stand a lot fighting, and for lots of couples, fighting is the order of the day, and goes on for many years.
The strange thing is, you don't ever get up each morning thinking, Today I am going to create huge fights and wreck my relationship! Nevertheless, you end up fighting with your mate over breakfast, or over the kids getting out the door on time, or over your hard earned money, or over sex, or overyou name it.
Here is a kicker about fighting. You simply fight because you don't know what else to try and do. When you knew of a better way, you'd make use of it, right? You take part in fighting simply because you don't have a way of GETTING WHAT YOU WANT. Nearly every single time, no matter what the subject of your fight is, the sole reason you fight is because there's something you wish, and you don't know how else to have it. So you fight for it.
You don't know how to get deep intimacy in your relationship. You don't know how to get him to listen. You don't know how to get her to stop nagging at you. You don't know how to get your sex life back on track. You don't know how to solve your relationship problems. And you want all those things.
It's beyond this text to go into The way to get all you want within your relationship. Here, my main intention is to offer you a simple relationship tool to avoid fighting. But you should recognize that you going to have to look for a better way to get what you want in the relationship, or the fights will continue, even though I give you great relationship tools to prevent them. What's great about us humans is that we would like lots of things in our lives and relationships, and that we hate compromising for less than that. Now you just gotta see how not to settle for a relationship packed with fighting which ultimately drains everything out of your love and connection.
So here's what to do when you find yourself in a fight. STOP IT! Seriously. This is one of the best, and simplest, relationship tips I can give you. When you're in the thick of it, and you catch yourself being in the thick of it, DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. Take a break. Go to opposite ends of your house. Take a hike around the yard. Go yell at a tree (they can handle it a lot better than your mate). Run up a hill five times. Go skip down the street.
Anything that serves as a break in the fight is good (as long as it doesn't injure or bug anyone else to add to the fight, of course). You see, when you get 'triggered' about something, that is you get mad, hurt or otherwise upset about something your mate did or said, or didn't do or say, you put yourself in a state of reaction. You are literally RE-acting out some drama you've created in the past. Like an actor re-enacting a play from old times.
When you find yourself in re-action, you're no longer present with all your faculties in your relationship. And if your spouse is doing a similar thing, you now have two individuals who aren't fully present with their wits about them, and that is when you begin yelling words that simply hurt more, and then create another layer of hurt and anger.
Another reason why simply stop talking and having a break is efficient, is that when you are fighting, nothing which comes from your mouth helps the problem. Every word you speak using this re-active space, only digs you deeper into a ditch. From that space, you cannot have any constructive conversation about how to solve this relationship problem, or how to better get what you want, or anything else. You have to break it up, and then come back if you are more calmly present. I know that's not always super easy, once the heat is turned up and your heart is pounding and your so mad. But is essential. And it requires practice capture yourself in the center of the fight, or much better, right before it starts. Don't worry, your relationship will probably give you ample practice opportunity, all by itself.
The strange thing is, you don't ever get up each morning thinking, Today I am going to create huge fights and wreck my relationship! Nevertheless, you end up fighting with your mate over breakfast, or over the kids getting out the door on time, or over your hard earned money, or over sex, or overyou name it.
Here is a kicker about fighting. You simply fight because you don't know what else to try and do. When you knew of a better way, you'd make use of it, right? You take part in fighting simply because you don't have a way of GETTING WHAT YOU WANT. Nearly every single time, no matter what the subject of your fight is, the sole reason you fight is because there's something you wish, and you don't know how else to have it. So you fight for it.
You don't know how to get deep intimacy in your relationship. You don't know how to get him to listen. You don't know how to get her to stop nagging at you. You don't know how to get your sex life back on track. You don't know how to solve your relationship problems. And you want all those things.
It's beyond this text to go into The way to get all you want within your relationship. Here, my main intention is to offer you a simple relationship tool to avoid fighting. But you should recognize that you going to have to look for a better way to get what you want in the relationship, or the fights will continue, even though I give you great relationship tools to prevent them. What's great about us humans is that we would like lots of things in our lives and relationships, and that we hate compromising for less than that. Now you just gotta see how not to settle for a relationship packed with fighting which ultimately drains everything out of your love and connection.
So here's what to do when you find yourself in a fight. STOP IT! Seriously. This is one of the best, and simplest, relationship tips I can give you. When you're in the thick of it, and you catch yourself being in the thick of it, DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. Take a break. Go to opposite ends of your house. Take a hike around the yard. Go yell at a tree (they can handle it a lot better than your mate). Run up a hill five times. Go skip down the street.
Anything that serves as a break in the fight is good (as long as it doesn't injure or bug anyone else to add to the fight, of course). You see, when you get 'triggered' about something, that is you get mad, hurt or otherwise upset about something your mate did or said, or didn't do or say, you put yourself in a state of reaction. You are literally RE-acting out some drama you've created in the past. Like an actor re-enacting a play from old times.
When you find yourself in re-action, you're no longer present with all your faculties in your relationship. And if your spouse is doing a similar thing, you now have two individuals who aren't fully present with their wits about them, and that is when you begin yelling words that simply hurt more, and then create another layer of hurt and anger.
Another reason why simply stop talking and having a break is efficient, is that when you are fighting, nothing which comes from your mouth helps the problem. Every word you speak using this re-active space, only digs you deeper into a ditch. From that space, you cannot have any constructive conversation about how to solve this relationship problem, or how to better get what you want, or anything else. You have to break it up, and then come back if you are more calmly present. I know that's not always super easy, once the heat is turned up and your heart is pounding and your so mad. But is essential. And it requires practice capture yourself in the center of the fight, or much better, right before it starts. Don't worry, your relationship will probably give you ample practice opportunity, all by itself.
About the Author:
About the author: Christian & Sonika are relationship experts. To get immediate help with your relationship problems get amazing, free relationship advice on The Relationship Makeover webinar.